Lately I haven't been going anywhere without my journal... typically I don't write in it, I just keep it on me just in case. Well I took it out of my purse and put it my school bag and I forgot it when I left for Charles' house Saturday night.

So, I SHOULD be writing in my journal, but since I am a tard and do not have it, livejournal will just have to suffice.

Maybe I should start a blog... it's like writing a novel.. but the reason I have never started a novel is because they say you can only write what you know.. and I don't know ANYTHING! Hence why I can't write a novel. HA

Or I can write a blog about not having a passion. Or being decent at almost EVERYTHING but not be GREAT at ANYTHING. Ain't that a bitch?

Anyway, this whole writing thing started because I can't sleep. I'm sort of a bad web browser. I just stick to the same websites and I don't search for anything new. It's just the same like 4 websites I visit. Well, now that I have a laptop, it should be easier to browse around. Now that I'm not on Charles' comp, or one at the library or lab. School starts in a week though, so if I'm going to start searching for more websites to get addicted to I might as well get going now, because I won't have time after next week.

I'm taking an easy semester though. Just to get back in the swing of things. I've been gone for a semester and I thought I was going to DIE of boredom. Well, that's phrased wrong... I was just so used to being constantly busy, when I wasn't, it drove me nuts. I spent most of my time over here at Charles' house and being a total bum. I literally have done nothing for 4 months.

I like my new avatar. I found in on The Leaky Cauldron. I wanted a new Hermione picture and I ended up seeing this one and falling in love. It reminds me of... well, that's neither here nor there now it is?

I made my first painting (going back to that whole not being great at anything) I was always so scared of painting. I'm not the best at arts and crafts. I'm not really good with my hands at all, save for video games...


*SIDE NOTE*

HEY!! I just realized something, I have been playing video games since I was like 5. MAYBE I'm only good at them because I've been playing them for so long. Maybe, just maybe practice DOES make perfect. BUT there are people who don't even NEED practice. They are just so good at things naturally. THAT'S what I want. To be able to be good at something and just be good at it. Now, I know that you have to practice to hone your skills and build your craft until you are AMAZING, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just want something to come easy for me.




*AND BACK ON TRACK*

So, I never really tried to do anything artsy because I was never good at it. All through my adolescence I felt that I needed some sort of outlet, but I never found one. I was constantly writing music and poems, but it never seemed to make me feel better... maybe I SHOULD have been an artist. I don't even know now because my "teen years" were so fricken long ago, I can't remember what I was feeling anymore. (oh and FYI, I'm still crazy emotional, it wasn't just the teen hormones, I'm just very emphatic).

The point is I made my first painting. Now, it is TERRIBLE and I mean really really awful. A six year old could have done better, BUT it's mine and it's my first and I love it. It is currently hanging above my bed in my room. I really want to take an art class, just to see if I can do it.

I have though been doing this new thing where I want to try EVERYTHING. I mean there HAS to be something I'm good at right? SOMETHING! Everyone has something they were born to do, I just need to find mine. If you look back through this journal and the other I have, I'm constantly complaining about not having "a thing" I still haven't found it and it's been like 6 years! But I was never really trying before either. It's like when I decided I wanted to be a Psychologist, I just randomly took a psychology course because it was required and fell in love with it.

I was talking to Leiber the other day and I told him about my adventures in finding new things. I think I expressed it best to him when I said "I just wanna do something that I love, something I'm passionate about" I will find a passion damn it, or die trying (you know like sky diving or bungee jumping or something life threatening... not like I'm going to kill myself)

My gay friend Brian is in town, I was supposed to go to EC and dance with him all night. Both Amber and Charles have flaked on me. It's ok though, I'm sure I will be spending tons of time with him while he is here. He keeps texting me how much he misses me tonight, but he is most likely only doing so because he is so very drunk. He might not be, I don't know, but he usually repeats things often when he is inebriated.

Now I'm just running out of things to say, I'm out of the mood I was in eariler and now all my fun, emotional, deep things I was pondering are all gone, and now I'm babbling on and on, which I can because this is my journal, but for the sake of people who are still reading (which is probably only a few) I will end this with a quick and painless goodnight.

Good night

(that WAS painless right?)

If you love me unconditionally, then why do I have so many faults in your eyes?

habits..

Oh yeah

So I think we all date the same people over and over again. I don't mean a type of guy or gal, but the EXACT same person. They may look different but on in the inside they are no different. So if you are dating the same person over and over again and that certain person is... not the best choice for you... how do you stop the cycle? If you have grown up loving and caring and trying.. with no avail.. how how HOW do you change?

I've tried and tried and tried and tried and tried... but still I date the same man. unstable, unreliable, inattentive, borderline abusive. why am I so weak? How can I be so strong in EVERY OTHER aspect of my life, but this... it's my kryptonite, my... you know that one guys heal.

so where do I find the strength to let go, to change, to say goodbye to everything I'm used to, comfortable with, and let myself deserve to be treated better? I feel like it's damn near impossible. I have to move to get away from them. Then I just find him again in the new state/town. I'm tired of moving to escape my habits. I just want to be sane... complete... HAPPY. when will it ever happen for me? WHEN?!?!

..

Ok ever since I decided to change my major to Psychology (you know like 5 months ago) I've been determined to get good grades. I was so excited when I got my grades back in August and I got my first 'A' Of course it was in Psychology... But it's still and A!! Anyway, I started school here in El Paso not knowing what taking a full load is going to be like. I've never taken more that 2 classes at a time and passed them. BUT it's been going GREAT! These are my test grades so far:

Biology:

Test 1 - 91%

Lab Test 1 - 85%

Lab 1 - 20/20

Lab 2 - 19/20


Psychology:

Test 1 - 90%

Focused Reading 1 - 4/4

Focused Reading 2 - 6/8


Sign Language

Test 1 - 98%


Engish

Character Analysis - 75%



I'm still waiting on my Visual and Gestural Communications Test and my Focused Readings 3,4,&5

Just a little point... I SUCK at English.. me and papers do NOT get along. It's the worst grade I've gotten so far.But I did get an awesome review from my professor when I sent him my Epistle for Kate Chopin's "Story of an Hour" this is what he said:

Christina,
I really love when a student gets into the creative mode and comes up
with something out of the ordinary. The epistles are already based on
something unusual, a letter to a dead author or a character, but yours
takes it a step further. Great work and great use of critical and
creative thinking skills. Go right ahead and apply the creative sense
to any or all of your epistles. My goal is to make students think out
of the normal boundaries and you have done that.
tp

I literally JUMPED for joy. I was jumping up and down screaming. It's been a long time since I've been proud of myself. It feels good to have confidence in some aspect of my life.

Living in El Paso is great! I'm having a great time. School is kicking my ass but for the most part I'm keeping up with my homework. I finally got a job. Starbucks is a bunch of assholes!! I'm now working at an independent coffee shop called "The House" it's a really cool place and an awesome atmosphere. And my dress code is: closed toes shoes and a hat! Isn't that awesome!?!?! I'm super excited! I'm a little worried cause they said they would call me Friday at the very latest Saturday.. and now Saturday is half way done and no phone call. I hope they didn't change their mind. I'm supposed to start tomorrow. We'll see, if they don't it just wasn't meant to be I guess.

Charles and I are becoming really cool friends. We do homework together and it's nice having a friend out here in El Paso. Sometimes he's a total guy and I can't stand him, but for the most part he's cool to hang out with. We don't do much, we usually just go to Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles and do our Bio Labs. Still he's really cool and we get along.

Me and mom are getting along really well. It's nice being able to see her everyday. We are both going through a lot right now and it's nice to have a rock solid shoulder to cry on. I think I might just stay here through next semester. I don't have any money saved up. I spent all my savings when I went to IL to see my grandmother while she was in the hospital. Plus I don't really have a place to live out there. I would love to live with Steph, but I don't know if I'm going to go to UWF.

I've actually been thinking about applying to another FL school instead of UWF. I feel like I need something different in my life. Of course I'm just throwing ideas around but you never know... I could get into a major university and have the true college experience. I was also thinking about applying to some California school. I could get out there like 2 years sooner. That would be awesome

Well I must get back to pool, it's calling my name. bye

So I'm just chillin.. trying to make my bad day go away. But while I was sittting here waiting for dad's girlfriend.. I had some pretty mean thoughts that kinda cheered me up! Is that wrong? Man I need to grow up. Heehee.. or do I?

So, I'm testing out my new nails and trying to type. Not working very well. So far they are driving me crazy. I think I need to make them shorter. I just cant seem to type right now. I'm going like 5 words a minute. ARGGGG!! Well in lighter news I got my dream journal and Chris got me a devotional book. I had the idea that we should do them together. He agrees, so he went out and bought his own, we start tomorrow. I can't wait to start writing my dreams down. I have freaky ass dreams. Now I can record them and maybe be able to figure out what they mean. I actually want to go see a dream annalist, hmm.. they might tell me I'm crazy!!

So right now I'm two for two in finding an amazing shirt in the clearance rack at PacSun! I guess the majority of people who shop there aren't XL's so they don't sell quickly. Now I'm not fat but I gots big boobies and wide shoulders. That and stores like that seem to make their sizes run smaller. The store that has the smallest sizes is Hollister... my favorite. Oh well.. I'll fit into it again someday.

Hey wow look at that.. I'm starting to get used to my nails. But when I go back on Sat for my pedi I'm going to have them file them down. I might not be able to bar like this. Work might become problematic.. and they can't have their best barista out of action now can they?

I'm really having a hard time dealing with NOT being famous already. I see all these people who are MY age and are so far ahead in the game. You know that Rachel McAdams didn't want to be an actress until she was 21?! Then she just jumped on and started making movies. I WANT TO GO TO L.A.!! NOW! I know that I should wait until I graduate but it's not helping me. I want to have an agent and go on auditions and start recording and get the ball rolling so I don't have to wait any longer to see if I'm meant to do this. It's been a dream since I was a kid and I've just been to damn shy to make any of it happen. Well I'm SICK of putting my dreams on the back burner because I'm too fucking scared to do anything about it. I'm beautiful... Why can't I realize that? Why can't I realize in my heart how strong and talented I am? How come everyone tells me WHO I am and I don't even know for myself? I can't stand it. I want this so bad it hurts I'm no longer comfortable in my misery. I'm DONE being depressed, I'm DONE being scared, I'm DONE not doing what I want. This is MY life! It's time to start living it

Everyday it's getting worse not better,
Maybe we should sit and finally talk.
Cuz where were at it's hard to measure,
When I'm standin in front of a wall, yeah


You wanna know why I look sad and lonely.
You wanna know why I can barely talk, well
It's not your fault so let me say I'm sorry,
For makin you the reason for my fall.


I wish that I could be like I was before.
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low.
I wish that you could make my world feel better,
And take away the hurt so I wouldn't be so far gone (yeah)


I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish I wish


You always hurt the people closest to ya,
Guess I blamed you for everything wrong.
And I don't know why it's so hard to tell ya,
I guess that's why I'm writing you this song! yeah


You wanna know why I look sad and lonely.
You wanna know why I can barely talk, well,
It's not your fault so let me say I'm sorry,
For makin you the reason for my fall


I wish that I could be like I was before.
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low.
I wish that you could make my world feel better,
And take away the hurt so I wouldn't be so far gone. (yeah)


I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish

I can't get your attention
And I'm so sick of it
I've got something to say to you
So shut up and listen
I don't want you to look past me
I want you to know who I am
I hate it when you ignore me
You just don't understand


See the funny thing is
You're just as useless as me
We could be so much better
If you could just let me in


I'm outside of you
And I can't get through
Overlooking the beauty that's dying inside me
(can you see?)
I'm outside of you
And I'm so confused
You keep missing the small things
The safety that love brings
(Can you see?)
I'm outside of you

Abby and I had a conversation about people who say they never have time to do things they love... well if you love it.. then you'd make time for it. But being busy makes me lazy and I still want to do the things I love.. I'm just too lazy to do them.. so in true... I should never say "I'm too busy to do that" I should say "I'm too lazy to do that" Which is what it all comes down to. I'm a very lazy person but I have good work ethic.. how does THAT work? So I need to make sure I make time for certain things. When I want to be lazy.. I need to get up and just DO IT!

That was confusing and waaayyy too long. I guess it makes sense to me..

Anyway, I had today off. I needed the hours but I worked 16 hours yesterday.. So I felt that I could slack a little. I close tomorrow night at San Destin.. I HATE that store. It was fun last night cause we had Leigh (who is the shalimar manager) and Amy (who is the mall store in p-cola manager)So it was uber fun to work with them and we pretty much slacked the whole night. We were DEAD! It was the longest day of my life. I opened that day at MY store then went with Abby to close over there. I really don't like closing. Not a fun thing for me.

So today I slept in and bummed around and did those little tasked that you need to do but can't find the time to do it.. cause your're "too busy" yeah I did them. But I didn't GO TO THE GYM!!! DAMN IT!

Hilary Duff's new album is released in like 2 days.. I'm SO EXCITED! Even though I totally know all the words because the internet rocks and I listen to it EVERYDAY! I pre-ordered it so it comes with a DVD and this cute signed pic of Hilary.. well we all know it's just printed on there but WHO CARES?!?! I humped a poster of the new Harry Potter movie... Yeah.. I got some looks.. and Abby pretended she didn't know me.

Leiber was here for awhile and it was SUPER fun! We went Jet Skiing and he saw the play and got to go back stage. We mostly just hung around.. it was great!! I got to see 4 new movies in like 2 days! I love renting movies. We got into a fight about one of them. Which is totally dumb cause HELLO?! we clearly have different views on like A BILLION things. That kinda bugs me sometimes. We never agree on anything. And his views.. like make me mad. They offend me.. like seriously. I have to tell him to shut up before I slap him. You think I'm kidding. It's kinda funny after the fight.. cause it's so dumb... but during it's crazy. I love him. I can't wait till he comes to TX with me.

Oh I'm going to see my mama after finals! YAY!! I'm so excited!! I'm going to just chill out by the pool, eat amazing mexican food, and spend mucho quality time with my MOMMY!! Chris is going to be there for a couple of days. It'll be like when we got married!! YAY!! It should be a blast!

Leigh wants me to become a shift at the Shalimar store. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it though. With school coming up.. I'm taking 3 core classes AND we are doin a musical this summer.. I don't know if I'll have TIME to be a shift. I don't know if I'm going to be able to work the hours that are required of me... We'll see...

I don't why I thought that Jessica was this sophisticated artist that lived in a loft with beautiful paintings everywhere.. but I did.. and I was seriously WRONG! I was really excited to meet her friends and check out her art and be all artsy fartsy tonight.. Yeah it didn't happen. It was totally lame and her friends are very very weird. Abby and I sat on the couch talking to people from work and petting the cat. We didn't stay very long cause 1. it was BORING and 2. BORING!!! And what's worse? I got into a huge fight with my husband over going to this thing. NOT worth it. Now I just feel bad that he is mad at me and I feel like an ass for pushin my right to do what I want. I know it's the whole principle of the thing.. but seriously.. not worth it.

I ended up going home and looking at what I need to take to graduate. I'm actually really close. I could knock it out in like 2 semesters. And what's even better? It's classes I actually want to take!! For example:

English Comp 2 (not thrilled but Steph rocks my english socks)

Math for Liberal Arts (WWAAAYY easy, turns out I don't NEED calc YAY!!)

Art History - Renaissance and Neo-Classicism (I'm SO excited about that one)

Biology (ANY kind.. ANY!)

Astronomy (looking forward to that)

Earth Science (I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CHEM YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!)
or Environmental Science

World Civilizations (both very easy and interesting)
or American History

Psychology (I like mind stuff)

And that's it!! I thought it was going to be harder than this! I've been setting myself up for these tough classes when it's really an easy couple of semesters. I can see lots of Starbucks and Highlighters in my future!

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da

So I've become OBSESSED with this David Choi's MUSIC!!! He doesn't want to be a signed artist but he makes these songs that I get stuck in my head for DAYS!! I can't get them out. It's like when I had that freakin Fergilicious song in my head. And the sad thing is.. it reminds me of NSYNC!! It's all love ballads and shit. ARRGGHH!! I wish I could stop singing it! And he comes out with a new song like every couple of days, so I continuely have something in my head. It's getting very irritating. Now don't get me wrong.. I'm still in love with Hilary.. but she isn't coming out with anything new until April 3rd. And 'With Love' (believe it or not) is starting to get old.

The new store blows. Ok let me rephrase that. The 'people' at the new store BLOW! Well just the little 18 year olds that are still in highschool and have their friends come in and ARRRGGGG!! I hate closing. All the mall rats come by and order like 12 tall fraps... ALL DIFFERENT! But I did do something worth while tonight. I fixed the lock on the side door. It took Aubrey and me like 30 mins to do it.. but we did. And we took a picture of us being all victorious! I'll post it on myspace.

I got the pictures back from my birthday photoshoot! They look pretty good. I look kinda pudgy in a couple, but for the most part they look alright. I like the ones with my new guitar.. just so I can show it off! I LLOOOOOVVVVEEE IT! Hannah look gorgous like always.

So, something has been bugging me lately. There is this girl named Shawntel at work. Everyone calls her Shawn (dumb I know) and she's a cool girl and all.. but we have this weird dominant woman thing goin on with the bar. People get incredibly protective over the bar. Even when they aren't working it. Like for some reason they think that it takes 3 people to make one drink.. I don't get it. I actually freaked out earlier on in the week. We had three drinks on the bar.. THREE! And her and James decide they want to "help" me out. IE- just get in my way. I was like "OK TOO MANY PEOPLE OVER HERE!" When someone looks like they have it covered on the bar.. I leave them alone. They're new they need experience.. go ahead. But for some reason if I EVER get on bar like 5 people come around me and try to help. Come ON people! I worked at P-Cola last night. We got busy. Kate threw the drinks on the bar and let me make them! It was so nice to not have someone jumpin in trying to steam milk around me. And the MAIN reason this shit happens.. Because there is NO DRIVE THRU BAR!! Oh that's right. We have a HUGE PASTRY CASE there. WTF?!?! So two people are on DT and the second person is all up in my grill tryin to make the drinks. ARGHHHH!!

OK then.. moving on..

Life with dad is still kinda rough. Mom "isn't coming back" so he constantly talks about her. And it's usually bad. It's so hard not to tell him what I know. I want to tell him shit just so he'll shut up.. but I know that will only make him want to talk about it more. DAMN IT! He's doing a lot for me right now. He's giving me a place to stay for free. He's buying my groceries.. but damn man. He's always on my case about something. As soon as he walks in.. everyday.. there's something to nag about. Now I've gotten used to this after what 15 years? But it's still obnoxious! And it really has NOTHING to do with me. He just wants someone to bitch at. Anything he can think of to complain about.. it's usually to me. Oh well.

I haven't talked to my mom in a while. I miss her. I wanna go back to Texas for a little while this summer and veg. I wanna go up to ABQ and see my friends. I miss Erin and her baby is getting so big. It's kinda like what Steph said though.. it just doesn't fit anymore. It's not me. I belong here. It's just in my past, ya know? But I believe that it has shaped me to become who I am today. When you live somewhere for that long.. it makes an impression on your heart that never leaves you. I do miss the desert. It's beautiful.. it's not a white sandy beach.. but it does something to me. It gives me a feeling that I can't even explain. And when I see those sunsets...

I got a speeding ticket on the way up to see my hoobie. The deadline is comin around and I REALLY don't want to pay it. Damn. He will be back here at the end of this month. I'm really excited. I miss him so much. And this time we'll be able to swim, hopefully. We only went to the beach once while he was here. And it was at sunset. There is going to be A LOT of veggin while he's here. No more of this whole run here, meet her, make this appointment. I'm going to plan his visit. So we can just chillax in paradise!

Happy Birthday to MMMMEEEEEE!! So far the day has been GREAT! I woke up and organized my room.. note I said ORGANIZE not CLEAN! I just have so many boxes and NO furniture! It's hard for me to get everything where I want it. Since I got up, everytime I check myspace I have a new birthday comment! It's been so nice! I can't believe I'm 23! I feel so old.. And I'm not.. then again I always base MY age off of Steph's. That's weird I know.. but I never freak out when I have a birthday.. I freak out when SHE does! It's strange.. Hey I guess that's what sisters are for.

SO my plans for today are:

Organize room - Check!

Go to Beach - Check!

Buy new top for dinner -

Go by WALMART and pick up Misc -

Go to Walgreens -

Meet friends at my house at six -

Have a blast with my best buddies!!!!! -

I had a lot of fun in MO.. driving back was hell. I didn't leave until 11:30.. I just couldn't muster the heart to leave. Even though he left for work at 6 that morning.. I found myself just sitting in the apartment looking around wondering why I ever left in the first place. I woke up to a beautiful Kitton in my face purring up a storm. I took my dear sweet time packing up the rest of the car...
There comes a time in your life when you realize that you aren't a kid anymore. People aren't going to hold your hand and walk you through everything. And now I have two choices.. Do school or go home. That's it. Grow up, suck it up and just DO it.. or go home. I came out here for a reason. And that reason is NOT to sit around and be lazy, miss my husband and get depressed. I CHOSE this! This is what I WANT! Why do I let myself fail?

it has come to my attention that my room has bad juju! I'm sure of it now. All I know is.. I wanna move... My mom gets her April 2nd but I don't even know when I'm going to move in with her.. She might not be able to get a place for a while. I get the dog, which is the only solace I have for having to stay here. The rest of the house is fine.. it's just my room has a Rain Cloud over it.. I'm going to go clean..

Man.. too many thoughts to post right now..

God I need to see my him...

everything in the world comes together in his eyes..